My Thoughts

A Man’s Right To Cheat 1

I just watching this movie “No Good Deeds” and figured I had to write this.

In ‘No Good Deeds’ a man, Jeffery is having an affair with the ex-fiancée of a convict (Idris Elba) who unknown to them had just escaped. The man stalks his ex-fiancée and kills her for not waiting for him while he was in prison. Now he’s going after his ex-fiancée’s lover. It turns out Jeffery is not home, but his doting, loving wife, (Taraji P. Hensen) Terry is present. She goes through a harrowing night to save her life and that of her kids.

This movie also reminds me of the Nollywood movie ‘Mr & Mrs’ starring Nsi Etim Ikpe and Joseph Benjamin. In this one, Joseph takes his wife of many years for granted. Nsi is unappreciated. Her husband looks down on her, doesn’t care about her feelings, abuses her with words, is unsatisfied with whatever she does (at least he didn’t hit her) and to crown it all, he had a woman on the side. Later, he asks for a divorce without even a second thought. That was when Nsi decided she’d had enough. She loves him very much, but was no longer ready to play the victim. The divorce didn’t go through, and it even turns out the woman on the side was nothing compared to Nsi.

It makes me come back to when it all started. That perfect moment, when their eyes met. The one the romance writers all make us dream of and get wet (or hard). The times they couldn’t stay apart because sparks were flying. So how did it go wrong? Why would a man who has a wife who would do anything for him turn to someone else- who the wife is even physically better than.

I lived in this world long enough to know that there is a thing called male ego. I am also a student in a higher institution here and I see all the sex-power play and demand between lecturers and students, lecturers and lectures and admin and lecturers. I know about some unmentioned relationship between boss and employee, the untold stories (the one they share in the testimonies) about how some people get their jobs and maintain it. Need I add that these are mainly between married people. According to some people, it is a man’s right to cheat.

Traditionally, here in Africa, a man can have a second, third, to as as many possible wives he can cater for. Some religion, Islam for e.g., permit a man to marry up to four wives as long as he cater for them. According to some African theories, if a woman won’t allow her husband to marry more wives and mistress or show much amosity towards the idea, she is regarded as a bad wife. The number of wives a man can dutifully cater for is a reflection of his wealth and prestige. He is on the road to being made a Chief. Polygamous homes here is one the causes of child abuse, child neglect, witchcraft practices, and malicious rumors and envy amongst the women and their children. Women who would go to any length to get their husband’s attention and love, so as to have an upper hand against the other wives. Tradition has made it impossible for them to voice out their fears and anger at not being the woman in the house. Tradition has also made provisions and guidelines on how this women can live together. Rules have been set down and duties shared between the wives, but which woman would sit still or sleep well at night knowing her husband is enjoying the company of another woman. Sometimes not even in the next room, it could be before her. Remember Nnu Ego in Buchi Emecheta’s Joys Of Motherhood who had to bite her fingers to keep her from lashing out while the bed on the other side of the room creaked with every move her husband and his new wife made. So Is it considered cheating if it legal?

According to Urban Dictionary cheating is when one person has a significant other and performs any type of intimate act with another. Cheating is a betrayal of the expectations you have of your partner especially when it concerns his/her contact and relationship with the opposite sex.

Let’s backtrack to those who claim it is the woman’s fault if the man cheats. According to Steve Harvey in his book Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man, a woman can keep the reins on a man by her words and actions. She should be nice, dutiful, supportive, patient and let’s not forget, give him plenty of sex in any position he wants, whether she’s up to it or not (the ones in italics is just my thoughts. Steve didn’t add that). I can count a whole town of women who are all these and more and yet the husband always has a woman on the side, whether known or unknown to the woman. Harvey also went on to say a man cheats because there is always a willing partner who is ready to sleep with him regardless of his marital status. So now it is the other woman’s fault? As long as he wasn’t blackmailed or forced into sleeping with her he has no one to blame but himself. It was his intent and his alone. His excuse, she batted her fake eyelashes at him and he got carried away, and she’s definitely willing.

Men are such liars. He’s not sleeping with her only because she’s willing. He wants her because he finds her desirable and sexy. So if every woman who bats her eyelashes is promised a quickie, would the middle-aged-handsy-slightly-overweight-looking-for-a-husband-etched-all-over-her-face acquaintance get the same treatment if she does the same? Or would he take the obnoxious, scowling, frustrated clerk to the nearest motel if she grins wolfishly at him?

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